My First Steps Into Motherhood! Viewer Discretion Is Advised! lol

The saga that is... Lilly!

Getting pregnant was a sinch lol I was 21 and Erik was 27... She was a wonderful Oops :) But the pregnancy, not so much!!

I was VERY sick the whole pregnancy and in the Hospital most of it. I lost about 40 lbs WHILE pregnant. At about 20 weeks I somehow got Gallbladder Disease and of course couldn't operate while I was pregnant so I had HORRIBLE attacks through out my pregnancy. I would constantly throw up, hyperventilate, and pass out from pain... I had to be rushed to the ER via ambulance like 5 times, It was BAD! Never had I experienced something like that, EVER! I was so scared for myself, and of course my little Lilly! I had never spent the night at a hospital, or been in an ambulance before this experience.

My doctor was going to induce me at 37 weeks, so they could get Lilly out safely and take out my gallbladder before I DIED! (I wasn't really going to die, but I thought so! lol) But at 36 weeks, exactly 1 week before I was supposed to be induced, I had another attack, nearly passed out, and was rushed to the ER. Not only was I having a Gallbladder attack, I all of the sudden had Pre Eclampsia. My blood pressure was at extreme highs, my body having tremors, and I was throwing up blood. We had constant test on our Lilly but I never believed she was fine...It was miserable!

They decided to just induce me right then and there, and put me on magnesium (worst feeling ever), and a whole bunch of other things...For about 4 hours I was completely alone, (Erik had to rush from work, my mom drive all the way from Eastern WA). I just kept thinking..I AM NOT READY TO BECOME A MOM, NOT IN THIS WAY...I needed that extra week! lol

After about 10 hours of "labor", I had never felt a contraction, I was just dizzy and having pain from my gallbladder, and panicking! This part was a complete blur..I kept telling the nurses that I didn't think Lilly was OK..They kept telling me that she was fine and I just went along with it...UNTIL a few nurses rushed in and threw me on my side, moved monitors around, and were panicking! Lilly's heart beat slowed way way down, and then they said she was fine and left me, I thought for sure they would believe that something wasn't right, but no, they didn't even call in the doctor. Well, this happened a few more times and I finally yelled that Lilly is not OK and they need to call the doctor and take her out! As soon as they explained what was going on to the doctor, he rushed in and everyone suited up and took me back for an emergency C-section. ( I WAS PISSED AT THOSE NURSES, apparently I was right! She wasn't OK) Erik was putting on scrubs in a hurry and they were rushing me into the O.R.

SIDE NOTE: My doctor was on vacation, and the doctor I fired in the beginning of my pregnancy was the one who had to do my c-section! BOO!

Things got out of hand quickly and there was no time to give me an epidural, so they knocked me out, which meant Erik couldn't come in to see her birth, and I of course, couldn't experience it either! I remember waking up and trying to pull the breathing tube out of my mouth and panicking because I couldn't breath or talk. I was so out of it...When they did take my breathing tube out I just kept saying. "Did she cry?" over and over again. They assured me she did, but she was no where to be seen! I didn't even get to see her until I was out of recovery! I remember being wheeled passed my family and telling them "No one can hold her until I DO!" I for some reason needed to be the first to hold her. So my family just waited patiently looking at my little 4lbs 4oz miracle baby!

AFTER THE FACT: Not only was she preemie, her cord was wrapped around her neck, and I had a blood clot in my placenta which is why she was so small, and in so much trouble.

She didn't have to go to the NICU, she was doing perfect, except feeding. I would constantly try and nurse her, but nothing was happening, no latching, no milk, nothing....AND one of the nurses gave her a bottle of formula without talking to me first! I was still determined and pumped my heart out!

A couple days later, Lilly was OK to go home. :) But apparently there was something ELSE wrong with me! The nurses had to come in and check my C-section periodically and said it didn't look right...they all gathered around it, and contemplated my horrible, bloody stomach...They called the doctor that had done my surgery to come in and look at it, but never did, just said to send me home...But finally the nurses brought in another doctor to look at it, but he said it was probably OK and sent me home.

I was finally going home to figure out this breast feeding thing, and hold on to my baby and never let go! Well.. as soon as I got home, my whole stomach ripped open!! Yea! Back to the ER! I was literally holding myself together, and walking in the ER dripping blood! The doctors just did a simple procedure and sent me home, to see if it worked. It didn't and I went back and forth 2 more times and finally was sent back to the O.R. to FIX my C-section. Where is Lilly during all of this??Not with me! Where she should be! Luckily I have amazing family who was with her though. NO JOKE, they had to keep my wound open and heal from the inside out, so Erik had to "Pack" my wound for a week (This is when I realized I should probably keep this guy around!)! Until...

Out of Surgery #2 and went home for about a week...and HARRAY another Gallbladder attack! Rushed back to the hospital, where I stayed for 9+ days awaiting my wound to heal so they could take my gallbladder out of me! (If they did the surgery while I was still "open" It could re-open everything all over again) I rarely saw Lilly because she was preemie, and shouldn't be hanging around hospitals.

Out of Surgery #3 and all was soon to be right in the world...Right??

You see, I had a PLAN...A plan on how my little Lilly was going to come into this world, and not one thing on that plan went right! I was supposed to watch and experience my little Lilly come into this world, and share that with Erik. I was supposed to breast feed. I was just supposed to be around her, and love on her, and see everything magical that is a newborn! But none of that happened. I got Postpartum Depression after all of this and called my doctor for help. I didn't want to hold Lilly, I didn't feel a "Connection"...Something was just off...One point I wanted to take her to a Fire Station (NO JOKE, and Yes, I am crying while writing this!) It was the worst moment of my life!

Luckily I sought out help and was back to "Normal" in no time! :) One of the worst experiences of my life turned into being the greatest gift! Lilly is amazing, life changing, and has my heart wrapped around her finger! She can do no wrong (OK she does go into time-out periodically)...and I LOVE HER more then I can ever ever explain! That is probably why I am a crazy protective mother and super affectionate with my babies...because I could never imagine feeling like that again, and of course I feel guilty for feeling that way!

Getting To Know Me!

I am 23 years old, but in my soul, I am the ripe age of 38! I haven't had the easiest life (Who Has?!) but if all my struggles have made me who I am then I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL for them...as weird as that sounds! :)

I just recently quit my "job" as a Victim Advocate for many reason's but mostly to become a stay at home mom.

I was the Prevention and Outreach Manager but I mainly worked with Teens and Children who have fallen victim to Sexual Abuse, and I also was the Prevention Educator for my county. I would run support groups in Middle Schools and High Schools for girls and boys who were wanting help in healing from Sexual Abuse. I would also do workshops on Consent, Healthy Relationships, Living in a Rape Culture, Preventing Sexual Abuse, Understanding the Dynamics of Violence, Domestic Violence, ID Theft.....To Schools, Parents, Care Givers, Victims...etc. PLUS 1,000 other things! :)

This "job" (I put in quotes because it was SO MUCH MORE than a Job) was the most amazing thing I have ever stumbled upon, and can I say, my calling! My life changed in more ways then can be described! I loved the combination of laughing and joking about the culture we live in, making sexuality fun and excited, and the heavy stuff.

After working there for over 4 years I got overwhelmed with a few things...

1) Where I worked as a wee bit messed up...

2) I was pregnant with my 2nd baby and felt like dying... lol

3) Having babies of my own and being surrounded by violence and abuse 24/7 was getting way overwhelming. I felt like I couldn't trust anyone, I was paranoid that somewhere, someone was going to hurt my babies.....

4) Again, Having to work with precious kiddos and adults who have been sexually assaulted, all day, then take a response phone home for anyone in the county to call when they were in crisis (mostly Domestic Violence, Rapes, AND creepy men who wanted to Jack Off to your voice), periodically have to go to the ER when someone was raped or abused, and come home and just go to sleep (didn't happen)! When I would come home I would just stare at my precious Baby all night hoping no harm would ever come to her! Some Days I could handle it, even joke about what I did, and some days it was super hard!

5) Last thing that sometimes got to me, was when I was young I was sexually abused by my step dad, and I am not going to lie, I handle that very well, but sometimes hearing victims stories would definitely trigger what  I experienced. There definitely is a continuum when it comes to healing from sexual abuse, some fall apart, and some are rarely affected by it. I am one where I am rarely affected by it, but when it hits, IT HITS! lol

In the fall I am going BACK to school to finish up becoming a teacher! :)

I know people say it all the time but.... I LOVE BEING A MOM! I love every single thing about it! I am much, much more tired then I ever was working full time AND being a mom, but of course, it is totally worth it. These girls of mine are so funny I smile every day, I think they are genius', they love to learn and play, and they sleep well which is a total plus LOL! I love making mess's and cleaning mess's every day, any day! :) They make my world go round!!

History!

Let's face it, I use Facebook like a diary!

I am always wanting to share stories of my life, and I usually do it on facebook... And that's not good for anyone! Huge turn of events are going on in my life right now and what better way to celebrate, plan, and share than a blog! :)

I have been with Erik for 3 years this May and we have 2 children together. Lilly who is 2 and Riley who is 3 months. We are not married, but recently got engaged (again haha). Oh and yes, do the math...We were barely together and got pregnant with little Lilly! :)

Erik proposed to me at Cannon Beach, WA after finding out I was pregnant with Lilly (I SAID YES) and I of course didn't want to have a baby belly during the wedding, so we put it off so our little one could be part of that special day. Well, I had terrible complications with Lilly, an emergency C-section after 12 hours of "labor" a month before she was due, and MULTIPLE surgeries following to fix my horrible C-section..bla bla bla (I will post the full experience and what happened another time). After having all these complications I wasn't able to be around my little 4lbs newborn, and I got SEVERELY deppressed and called off the wedding.

Lilly! 2 yr old.

We had split up 1 time during these 3 years and Erik "moved out". I use those words lightly because I dont think he slept there one night, and he was only officially gone for a month LOL. Poor guy couldn't leave his daughter and slept on my couch. ANYWAYS... to sum things up, we got back together. Soon after getting back together we got pregnant with Riley!



Riley 3 mo. old.

 

I still must have had some sort of Post Partum Depression, because after my lovely Riley was born, all was right in the world! I had never felt happier with my self, my family, and with my relationship with Erik. So on his 30th Birthday I Proposed to HIM! (We obviously don't do anything by the book)...Hense the name the Backward Family! :)

THIS IS US!